Mar

18

Morning

Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

Now that all the nicotine has left my body, it’s been replaced by this kind of kinetic energy that feels very unfamiliar.  I’m used to an internal world that can be channeled, and normally I’d just pour this phenomenon into something…an activity, the gym, work…or pour something onto it…cigarettes, alcohol, food.  But this energy seems to have a will of it’s own, and it doesn’t seem to feel comfortable in my skin.  I know how it feels.  This morning it settled in my chest at 6:30 am and spun incessantly into little dervishes of worry…finances, health, how I act in the world.  I tried to calm it with reason, promises, threats, all to no avail.  It would not be consoled.

l I finally surrendered, getting out of bed and trying to pretend that being up this early isn’t strange to me.  I wasn’t angry or frustrated, though.  Something has turned around inside me recently, and to be honest I’m not sure what to make of it, so I’m just trying to go with things.

In part, I think the restlessness could be related to some news I got yesterday.  A friend of mine from CVE died over the weekend, and I’m still in a bit of shock from it.  I knew her pretty well, and while it didn’t exactly come out of the blue, it was pretty unexpected.  She had worked hard to walk the path of recovery and keep herself healthy, and while I know she often couldn’t see it in herself, she was an amazing testament to what people can come back from.  She was an inspiration and I will miss her.

Feb

4

Favorite roommate conversation of the day

Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

Aurora (snuffling and coughing, dressed for a job interview): “Hey Spencer, I’m looking for a drug that will make me feel good and not leave me strung out all day”

Spencer: “Baby, aren’t we all.”

Dec

22

Quitting Smoking Sucks!!

Filed Under Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I quit smoking. Again. For anyone wondering, it still sucks. This will be the third time, and I have to say each time has been different, which I’m both happy about (at least it’s something new) and pissed about (I have no idea how long or in what particular way it’s going to suck). The first time was easy. I just woke up one morning and decided that I wasn’t going to smoke anymore, and then didn’t for almost five years. The second time was not so easy. I got really angry and stressed out for three days, then things seemed to calm down and I settled into it for two years. This time I’m definitely on edge, but really I just feel sad. Sad like I’ve lost someone really close to me. I swear…grief, and lots of it. Poor little smokie…he was such a good friend.

So to improve my mood, I’ve decided to lock myself in my room and read Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road.” To call it bleak is to call a bowling ball size tumor hanging out on a lymph node inconvenient. The book is bleak, but the word doesn’t seem to be capable of carrying the emotional weight of what “bleak” means in that world. I had to stop reading for fear of deciding that post-apocalyptic earth was not the dreamy paradise of The Road Warrior (replete with psychotic and hom/icidal/osexual gangs to war with), and that fact coupled with the thought of such an eternity without smoking was enough to warrant jumping off a building. The thing about McCarthy is that you keep reading, driven by some inexplicable idea that there might just be some redemption if you just read a little further. This is actually my first McCarthy novel, but I suspect that this idea is a wee naive. He is able to play on our happy ending conditioned brain and lure us with hope he never intends to provide, I suspect. But he does it in such a pretty and accomplished way that I can’t be mad at him for it.

I ‘m also stopping the word of the blog. It was intended to help me improve my vocabulary, but given the fact that I don’t remember any of the words I have thus far chosen, it’s just kinda stupid, I think.

I am, however, still enjoying the hell out of this…it says that it’s based on a true story which makes it all the more funny:

glumbert - No sh*t, sure lock

Next Page →

Close
E-mail It